


Someone I am Not

by Thefrostyxx



Series: Top of The World [3]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Anxiety, Comfort, Depression, Fluff, Insecurities, Jabberwock - Freeform, M/M, a little smut cause you know, after last game, false depiction of DID, it's healthy for brain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 10:23:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14306646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thefrostyxx/pseuds/Thefrostyxx
Summary: Furihata is not always the insecure party in his relationship with a certain... not so emperor.





	Someone I am Not

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on a full throttle AkaFuri ship and not even my low self-esteem and my sad excuse of English is stopping me. THIS SHIP NEEDS TO SAIL FOREVER Y'ALL!

Furihata Kouki couldn’t be more proud, and happy, and excited, and overly proud.

He was sure that he mentioned the word “proud” in his mind more than once, but Furihata couldn’t care enough about his lack of vocabulary nor his inability to count right now. In all honesty, he didn’t even know how to process the change in the scoreboard for Vorpal Sword’s win against the ever-so-annoying Jabberwork except to cheer as loud as he could, happiness and pride and a lot of emotions bursting out of his chest through voice and laughter.

But not even those could express how much emotions circulating in Furihata’s system. He wanted to literally burst, running and celebrating it with the miracles on the court. He wanted to yell, he wanted to bump his fists on their backs, he wanted to hug every single one of those talented basketball dorks. Kagami, Kuroko, Kise, even the scary Aomine and the stoic Midorima and the dominating Akashi.

_Akashi!_

The name alone stopped him from doing stupid things he already thought of. Instead, Furihata took a deep breath, voices were fading out into silence as his eyes searched-and found-the redhead on the court. He was so far away from where the brunet sat, and the lights and falling confetti made it hard for Furihata to actually see him. But he knew that Akashi was very happy. He wasn’t smiling as wide as Furihata did, and he _definitely_ didn’t cheer (it would out of character and scary if Akashi did). But Furihata was sure that from the tiny smile the redhead showed, that Akashi was very happy and proud of his team. Of his victory.

And God, smiling, happy Akashi is just utterly sexy. Furihata could just kiss that smile right now. 

Sadly, in between the winning euphoria and then a bunch other celebrations, there was so little time, _if none at all_ , time for Furihata to be up close to Akashi without the company of many others. See, the annoying thing about _the secret relationship_ is, you couldn’t just kiss or hug in public the moment you’re within reach or even doing more than nodding at each other the moment you’re noticing each other’s presence.

And the pride that Furihata felt at that night, it was starting to turn into something more… toxic, so to speak.

That feeling was eating him alive, to see Akashi in the middle of all those celebrations. It wasn’t that he was jealous of him, God no. He knew that the redhead deserved every spotlight in the world. What Furihata couldn’t stand is the very distance between them. Celebrations after celebrations, victory speech after victory speech, Furihata was made even more aware of their difference. Things that Akashi was and Furihata wasn’t even close. A list of different traits that was enough to keep them apart. Akashi was grace, Furihata was a mess. Akashi was talented, Furihata was just plain average. Akashi was beautiful, Furihata was just eh. Akashi was a man with strong presence, and Furihata couldn’t even think of one occasion where he was on the center of the spotlight, or to turn heads. Or to simply be noticed more than three seconds.

And those feeling sent a kick on his stomach. A powerful kick that made Furihata wanted to vomit every time he saw another someone gave the stage to Akashi to give their victory speech. It was only fitting that Akashi was the one who gave the speech, given that he was the only one among the Miracles that was gifted with Public Speaking skill (the other choice was Kise, but he was too loud and honestly, who would listen to his cheerful rambles for more than five minutes aside of Kasamatsu?) .

But still, it was like a reminder of how useless Furihata was. He could only hope that Akashi didn’t realize it sooner; that he belonged on the spotlight with the people equally talented, where Furihata was just another face in the crowd not worthy of his attention.

Hope, he did. Hell, he prayed every day as those thoughts drowning his head till he could barely breathe. But after sulking about it, Furihata decided that he had enough. If basketball had taught him something important, it is that even there's something a coward like him could do; he could fight to get to where he wanted to be.

-

It was a big leap to go from _shy Furihata_ to _full-force confident Furihata_ , and it was no doubt that it would take a lot of his energy too just to maintain it for one full minute. His relationship with Akashi was not one he could risk in one reckless move, so Furihata decided to do one small brave thing at a time, regularly. He never missed sending “I can’t wait to see you” every night, and “good morning”every time he cracked his eyes open at dawn. Each text was sent with a lot of thoughts and fear of Akashi not replying or giving him the cold shoulder. Any signs of him drifting away from him.

But he did reply, all the damn time. So maybe he hadn’t realized _it_ yet, or maybe he was still too polite to cut things off. Furihata could do with both. He still wouldn’t let himself sabotage this.

If _this_ was even still a thing.

Those doubts were quickly eliminated when one night, Akashi called instead of texted him, informing him that all of his friends already left his apartment. There were no more celebrations in the next forty-eight hours. He would be all alone, and he already sent a car to his house, because he was _terribly missing you too, Kouki_.

Shivers ran down the brunet’s spine the moment those words were spoken.

The car ride was easily forgotten, and so did his steps towards the elevator to Akashi’s penthouse. They were all a series of unrecognizable, agonizing blur that kept him away from a pair of beautiful red eyes that radiates a lot of emotions now, focusing solely on him.

There were no “congratulations” and small talks about how the game went. Furihata was there, he knew how it went. Or at least it was his first words when Akashi opened the door, and the rest of his appreciation were expressed through eager touches, soft kisses that grew hungrier each passing second. The brunet was very happy that they shared the same longing, same pent-up frustration for being away from each other for too long.

However, Furihata couldn't help but notice that the way Akashi touched him was a little different than usual.

Even though they haven’t dated that long, but Furihata had grown accustomed to each side of Akashi, and he meant _literally_ . During the heat of the moment, it wasn’t uncommon for Akashi to slipped into his other self, letting him taking control to dominate Furihata, to kiss him and touch him in a way that made Furihata shuddered in pure pleasure, the way that the polite and gentle Akashi wouldn’t have the heart to put Furihata through. Before the game with Jabberwock, it happened too often for Furihata’s sanity. But regardless, he liked how _the other_ Akashi handled him in bed, his hungry eyes staring down at him like a lion staring at its prey, predatory with the right amount of grace. He was so dominating, in an exciting way that made Furihata had no other wish than to surrender.

That’s why, it was strange for Furihata to see a pair of red eyes instead of heterochromatic ones from fluttering eyelids, right after Akashi reached his high. He was turning his eyes at Furihata, lips smiling in a charming way that the other Akashi would do to manipulate people into doing things he wanted. The smile that made Furihata’s stomach crunched. But this wasn’t the other Akashi. This was _Seijuurou_. There wasn’t a glint of gold that made that smile mischievous, no. This smile was innocent and honest, and even though it's beautiful, for Furihata it felt almost too distant. 

Furihata’s breath was getting heavier when Akashi finally pulled himself away from Furihata to lay beside him. There wasn’t a possessive hug, just an arm casually hugging him. There wasn’t a dominating kiss claiming his possession, just a small peck on his sweaty temple, and there were definitely no whispers about how sexy Furihata was, just a little _I love yous_ spoken under his breath. It was lovely in every way; less possessive, less dominating, and Furihata couldn’t deny that he wanted more of that. But as their pants and heavy breaths calmed down and slumber slowly claimed them, Furihata couldn’t help but feel afraid.

There wasn’t a burning desire like before. There wasn’t any spark that made Furihata a little bit afraid, it made him even more eager to submit to Akashi. Furihata often compared their making love sessions to fireworks; It was sparkly, high, and a little bit terrifying. But tonight... It was like a bonfire. It was warm, calming, and Furihata could feel it fading out fast.

Furihata could feel fear creeping into his insecure mind as he closes his eyes to sleep, with a drop of tears rolling down his cheek.

-

The brunet was slowly awoken from his slumber when he felt soft fingers were brushing his hair, giving him soothing feeling that was so good, so innocent that he couldn’t help but to lean to that touch. It was good, reminding him of his mother’s touch when he was a kid. Furihata used to fear thunderstorm—well, to be fair, he feared almost everything loud or has some sort of sharp edges when he was little, so his mother always soothes him by doing this. But he had outgrown those childish fears, and even if he didn’t, there wasn’t seem to be any thunders out there.

Ah, well. No need to think about it when it feels so good, now. It’s probably just Akashi.

_Akashi!_

Furihata shot his eyes open so quickly that it’s almost comical, memories finally caught up with him as he stared right at Akashi’s red eyes. The redhead let out a small smile, welcoming him to consciousness with absolute beauty. The sunray peeking from the window touched his hair in a way that made him even more… angelic, if it was even possible.

Furihata smiled back at him. He had grown addicted to those eyes. They looked like candy, or tulip seen from above or fresh raspberries. Furihata kept thinking of things resembling the color of those eyes, but he failed to find one that matched their elegance.

Red eyes…

_Oh, God._

He was only beginning to push himself a millimeter away from Akashi when the redhead snuggled closer, fingers were on Furihata’s cheek, keeping him from making any more distance. 

“Good morning,” he greeted.

“Mm... Morning,” Furihata replied, hesitantly.

“What are you furrowing your brows for?” Akashi asked, his voice slightly amused.

“You,” Furihata replied, almost instantly. He could then feel a blush creeping up to his face as Akashi let out a confused expression. “Ah! uh... I mean, I don’t mean to... it’s… uh, nothing. I just think  been a long time since we uh…”

Akashi sighed, a little smile was decorating his lips. “I know,” he said. “My apologies, Kouki. I wished nothing more than to spend my time with you the moment I arrived at Tokyo. However, my schedule was quite… unforgiving. By the time we didn’t practice, coach and I will review our strategy and Momoi was very keen on presenting every single data she obtained. This whole Jabberwork ordeal was quite… tiring.”

“Ssshhh, I know, Sei. It’s fine,” Furihata said, his hand was raising to Akashi’s shoulder. He brushed his thumb against the redhead’s pale skin, gazing at the movement to distract himself from those piercing eyes. “I’m glad you did just that. It’s all paid off in the end. You got a good game, and here we are now. _Together_.”

The last word rolled off his tongue like an acid spit as Furihata stared back at Akashi’s face, testing if that word made him flinch. Akashi was frowning for a bit, reviving all of the insecurities Furihata tried to bury in the deepest corner of his mind since the Jabberwock game.

“Did you enjoy the game, at least?”

It took Furihata a while to reply. “Uh… Yeah, and no. I mean, it was so awesome and you guys were so cool. But I cannot bear to see the first few minutes of quarter four,” he admitted shyly, trying to shake his head away from those thoughts. “I was hiding my eyes behind my fingers and I was praying for you. But when you guys won… I was just… I was pretty sure I was too thrilled that I got exhausted afterwards,” Furihata then laughed as his mind picturing that day, how his hands were so sweaty that he couldn’t even hold his fingers together without them slipping, and he was even tenser than the day he played against Akashi on Winter Cup final. He also remembered the feeling that follows, how he was longing for Akashi even though they were in the same room.

Kinda what he felt right now. Akashi might have all attention on him, but Furihata could feel that the redhead was keeping a good distance.

The redhead’s chuckles even sounded half-hearted. “I wish you were there on the court with me,” Akashi stopped to shift towards him, closing what little distance between them. “Should this happen next year, I’m pretty sure you will be good enough to be a part of Vorpal Swords. You have it in you. With the right amount of effective practice, I’m sure we can...”

“Uh, yeah, not in a hundred years,” Furihata laughed nervously. He could feel a little pang of pain in his heart. “You guys are too talented. The lineup will be the same no matter what year it happened.”

“Mmm,” Akashi placed a soft, quick kiss on Furihata’s temple once again. “I don’t like it when you underestimate yourself like that.”

The words, together with the kiss on his temple, felt like a kick to Furihata’s guts. Before the game, every time he underestimates himself (cause it’s just in his nature to self-doubt), Akashi would just chuckle and say “I have to work harder on that low-self esteem of yours, am I?” and then placing a quick, innocent kiss with a streak of passion to his lips. It makes Furihata felt powerful as if Akashi donate his confidence through that kiss. After the big game, it felt like all Akashi did was less… passionate than before. The memories from the night before were flooding his mind, and all of a sudden, Furihata felt like he was drowning in signs.

Signs of Akashi was pushing himself away.

Furihata was never convinced that this will last, between him and Akashi. He was sure that this was a casual fling. Perhaps a nervous-wreck like Furihata was just another case for a strategist like Akashi to untangle, a fault he had to rectify. These thoughts were easily shaken off the first weeks they were together. There was no mistaken the burning passion between them, and Furihata slowly believed that falling thoroughly for Akashi Seijuurou wasn’t a mistake. That Akashi returned the feeling, even though it seemed impossible. And with _the other_ Akashi in their relationship, it was like a final affirmation for Furihata that he indeed cared about him. The other Akashi always made sure he let Furihata know, with words and then more.

But last night… And just now… With the other Akashi wasn’t emerging even for a split second, Furihata was pulled back to a reality where Akashi didn’t actually love him. Or just grew tired of his presence. Probably the big game against Jabberwock made Akashi realized that Furihata was far below his league, that he deserved better. This Akashi was probably too polite to say that.

Those thoughts were driving Furihata insane, that he felt like he could burst into tears.

“Kouki,” Akashi whispered. There was a glint of worry in his eyes… Or was it reluctance? Furihata wasn’t sure. “Kouki, you’re furrowing your brows again. Is something bothering you?”

Furihata shook his head, not trusting himself enough to talk. He was sure that his voice would break and then tears would follow and he didn’t want to give Akashi another affirmation that Furihata is weak, that would lead to the inevitable scenario where Akashi would leave him. The brunet had grown to love Akashi, had grown too attached to him in a few months they were together, that he was selfish enough not wanting to let go. He wanted this, or at least, what they used to have. And he wanted to keep it as long as he can.

He loved and wanted Akashi so much, it hurt to think of not having him.

The thought must have shown on his face because Akashi was now giving him the worried look. “Kouki,” he said. “You’re crying.”

At that, Furihata’s defenses were breaking. He was choked by the very air he breathed, and all of a sudden, his vision got blurry. He could feel the pain in his chest leaking out through his eyes, and hysteria was catching fast.

Akashi was shocked. He quickly gathered the sobbing, shaking Furihata in his arms, embracing the brunet in a tight hug to soothe him.

“Kouki, please,” he whispered. “You can cry as many times as you like if it makes you feel better. But please, please tell me what is bothering you, Kouki. Please let me help you.”

“Ak… Akashi,” Furihata said in between his sobs. He pushed Akashi gently, to look right into his eyes. He could see the distaste in the other’s eyes as he mentioned Akashi’s last name instead of his given one. “Can I please, _please_ talk to the other you?” he whispered painfully. “I just… I wanna talk to him.”

At that, a pair of red eyes looked disappointed. It made Furihata’s chest felt as if they were stabbed.

“I can’t grant you that, Kouki.”

“ _Please_ ,” he whispered.

Akashi closed his eyes for a moment, then he stared back at Furihata. “Can’t you just talk to me?” he asked, the corner of his lips were tugged into a half, broken smile.

“But he hadn’t seen me,” Furihata persisted. “Please, Sei. I wanna talk to him. I need to talk to him.”

Akashi shook his head. “What is it that you wish to tell him, that you cannot tell me?”

Furihata was hurt by the rejection. So it was true. So the other Akashi didn’t want to meet him anymore. It shouldn’t be a problem. Well, it wouldn't be, if the other Akashi didn’t play such important part in their relationship. It might be this Akashi who was courting him in the first place, but it was usually the other Akashi that let Furihata knew how he felt, in a more honest (sometimes vulgar) manner. It was usually him that assured Furihata of their relationship. It was him to _convince Seijuurou that you’re a keeper and keep reminding him about it_.

If he deemed that Furihata wasn’t enough anymore, then it won’t be long until Seijuurou felt the same. After all, they're one person.

Furihata could physically feel his heart cracking.

“Kouki,” Akashi whispered. “Am I not sufficient for you?”

The question startled Furihata, pulled him back from his agonizing thoughts. “It’s not that!” he hissed. “It's just... He was always there. I always have both of you for the night. Always. But he wasn’t there,” he sobbed. “Sei, does he not want me anymore?”

Akashi was staring at sobbing Furihata, his eyes look sad as he cupped the brunet’s cheek, gently stroking his skin. _Oh, great,_ Furihata thought. _Now he’s pitying me. Way to go, Furi, You completely made a fool of yourself._

“Kouki,” he whispered. “He’s gone.”

Almost abruptly, Furihata’s sobs came to a halt. “W… What?”

“He’s… gone,” Akashi said, repeating himself as he bit his lower lip. “There was no longer _him_ inside of me. He was gone in the Jabberwock game,” he stopped to sigh, before reopening his eyes and shifted his eyes back to Furihata. “Playing against Nash took its toll on me. Apparently, my brother thought that his presence was what keeping us… _me_ from growing stronger. That being two different entities make us weak. So in order to beat Nash, he decided to go and give full control back to me...” he stopped, thumb brushing Furihata’s skin as he let out a bitter smile. The one that Furihata saw when Seirin beat Rakuzan. There were tears dawning in his eyes. “Forgive me, Kouki. He was gone.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Furihata whispered. His insecurities were now turned into a full-force guilt. And somehow, it made Akashi looked surprised. “Oh, Sei. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I brought it up."

Furihata pulled him into an embrace, trying to transfer his strength to Akashi if it even made sense. He could then hear Akashi chuckled weakly. “I’m fine, don’t be silly,” he said. Akashi was quiet for a few moments to take a deep breath and letting it out. It kept on repeating while Furihata waited, leaving Akashi to cope with his own silent grief. Akashi was sighing for the last time, before pulling tugging Furihata away gently, wishing to see his face. 

When they finally met face to face again, Furihata could see a tiny dot of tears on the corner of Akashi's eyes.

“I'm fine, Kouki. I just... feel a little miserable. I used to talk with him a lot when he took over my body, and even after I took control. It’s getting quiet and… There’s this.... _Emptiness_ that seems to be out of place.”

Finding the right word seemed to be a challenge to Akashi, and seeing that he was usually a walking vocabulary, speaking with words that Furihata sometimes didn’t know exist. The brunet hugged Akashi, his eyes crying a different kind of tears. He closed his eyes, thinking about the other Akashi, with a glint of golden staring back at him. Sometimes with lust, but there was always affection inside. People would usually see past that, and just label him as cruel. But Furihata had seen him in a close range, closer than anyone ever tried. Despite his tough exterior, the other Akashi was way more fragile than the real Akashi.

“Oh, Sei,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t ask.”

Akashi shook his head. “It’s okay. It’s about time I talk about it,” he whispered. “At first, I thought that perhaps it was for the best, not worrying about him resurfacing and saying things I didn’t meant to people. But it gets lonelier really quick. And without you by my side, it was getting even more unbearable,” Akashi stopped to slip his fingers on Furihata’s brown locks, combing it affectionately. “I truly am sorry for letting him go, Kouki. And you cannot talk to him not because he doesn't want to, nor because I won't let you. It's just that he already left. I apologize for that, and I fully understand if you're wanting me to give you space or to leave you alone, even. After all, although I was the one who courted you in the first place, it was him who kept you so long by my side. He had the nerve to speak words I couldn’t. I…”

Akashi’s word hangs in the air. For the second time since Furihata knew him, Akashi was lost for words. And that’s kinda contagious. For a few moments, Furihata laid there, staring at Akashi’s sad and pained expression.

Wait, what?

Furihata could feel thoughts bursting in his head at once like his brain was a pinata and someone just smashed it really hard it was practically exploding. How? What? Was is just happening? Furihata was too busy keeping his mind together and then some, that he didn’t realize that the silence between them had stretched far too long.

“Kouki?” Akashi’s voice was finally breaking the silence, putting some sense back to Furihata’s mind. 

Oh, yeah. He had to talk.

“Sei,” Furihata spoke. “Did you just… think that… I don't want anything to do... with you cause... he's gone?"

"More or less so, and I can understand if that's the case,” Akashi replied. “I know I couldn’t love you like he did. I couldn’t touch you like he did, nor can I speak the words he always whispers to you. Although I can promise that if you choose to stay by my side, I would try my best to learn so I can be sufficient for you too.”

Those words snapped something inside Furihata, making him scowl in anger and disbelief. “Oh my God, what the hell!” Furihata got up, rolling himself so he was on top of his redheaded lover, keeping his stare on the curious pair of scarlet orbs. “Sei, what made you think that I would leave you just because you lost your other self? Don’t be silly. I’m sad that he’s gone, but it’s because I know how important he is to you, not because… I love him more than I love you. Which is ridiculous, seriously. Because while you thought of him as your brother, for me he’s… you,” Furihata stopped to smile. “Now, I know I have no other experience with DID, and maybe it’s silly for me to say this, but I always see him as you. Like, you’re two sides of coins that shows a different angle, but in the end, it’s still you!" 

Akashi blinked, surprised with the reaction he drew from his usually shy boyfriend. "But Kouki, we're actually two different people."

"I know, but It's hard to see it that way after being so close with both of you," Furihata smiled. "You're so similar because you're... one person. It’s still your thoughts, your talents, your body.”

Akashi stared at Furihata, looked even more surprised before he huffed, a snicker turned into a fit of laughter softly. “You’re only here for my body, after all.”

Furihata blushed, just realizing the entirety of his words. “Uh…” he turned his eyes away from Akashi.  “In my defense, you got a great body.”

The redhead chuckled louder, before stopping and caressing Furihata’s cheek. “Thank you, Kouki,” he whispered. “But are you completely sure? Please do know that I can respect your decision.”

“I know,” Furihata said. “But the reason why I wanted to talk to him in the first place was that I thought he doesn’t want me anymore, and if he doesn’t, then you will realize that I was nowhere near your league and considering to leave me too. I just… It’s so unbearable to think about,”

Akashi shook his head. “Oh no,” he whispered. “What made you think of that? Of course, I want you.”

“Well, it can’t be helped, okay!” Furihata suddenly dropped himself till he was laying on top of Akashi's body, burying his face in the crook of the redhead’s pale neck. “You were so cool on the game with Jabberwock. And then comes the celebration parties, one after another. I was afraid that you would slowly realize how different we are. That you are amazing and I’m just a plain guy, another face in the crowd. I was so scared that you would leave me.”

Akashi huffed. “Nonsense,” he said as he rolled them, changing their position so Furihata was laying on his back and Akashi could stare  “You are extraordinary, Kouki. You might constantly convince yourself to overlook your own quality, but you’re emitting this rare glow that's so special, that it could only be seen by one careful look.”

Spoken by someone as beautiful as Akashi, with a pair of intense scarlet eyes that could seem to stare into one’s soul made Furihata blushed harder. He was sure that should Akashi chose to embarrass him even more with such words, blood will soon leak out of his face.

“G… good thing you have the emperor eye, then.”

“Indeed,” Akashi chuckled and kissed Furihata’s cheek. His lips felt cold on the brunet’s burning skin. “Please refrain from thinking such things again, Kouki. I do care a lot about you.”

“And I do to you,” Furihata replied. "I won't leave you, Sei. Not merely because you're... well, you"

"And I won't leave you, Kouki. Not merely because you are yourself."

They sealed their declarations with long, soft kisses that soon got too heated and reminded them that while they were still naked, they might as well take advantage of it. Furihata sighed, getting all of his insecurities out of his system. It had been miserable, hellish past weeks with all of those thoughts. And now that he was relieved of them, with Akashi’s body on top of his, his limbs in between Furihata’s own, and his kisses showering Furihata’s warm skin, the brunet could feel his heart soaring higher and higher.

Until he’s at the top of the world.

**Author's Note:**

> As you can see, although i took a lot of setting from the movie, I didn't include Kagami going to America cause I can't handle him leaving Kuroko okay! >.<  
> Thanks for reading everyone and please leave feedback and criticism if you have the time ^^


End file.
